If you're a parent, you know the feeling. The phone is in their hand, a game is on the TV, or the laptop is open with multiple tabs. Their world is digital, and getting them to look up and engage with the ‘real world’ right in front of them can feel like an impossible task.
The old "five-minute warning" often doesn't work. It's not because they're being difficult; it's because their attention is deeply invested in their online world—a world of friends, challenges, and creativity. So, how do we bridge that gap respectfully? The answer lies in joint attention.
What is Joint Attention?
Joint attention is when we share an experience with another person. It’s connecting with what they care about. For a child glued to a screen, it may be that moment when you both look at a hilarious meme and share a laugh, or when you lean over their shoulder to see the amazing graphic design they’re creating, or spend a few minutes watching clips with them. It’s a shared moment of focus that says, "I see you, and I see what you're passionate about."
Making a Successful Transition from Screen to ‘Real Life’:
Instead of a command, this can be a collaboration. Here’s how you can use joint attention to gently guide your child from their digital world to the real one:
1. Acknowledge and Engage: The first step is to show respect for what they're doing. Simply demanding their attention doesn’t always work. Instead, earn it by showing you’re interested.
"That looks like a really cool game. What's your strategy here?"
"I love the music you're listening to. Who's the artist?"
This small act of joining their world shows that you're not just trying to take something away, but that you want to be a part of their life. You’re gently moving their direct attention to the screen, to a three way ‘You & Me’ with the screen.
2. Bridge Their World to the Next Task: Once you've established a connection, you can link their digital activity to the next real-world task. This makes the transition feel less jarring and more purposeful.
"That's a fantastic video you're editing. It's so creative! Can you use that creativity to help plan what to cook tonight. What do you think we should make?"
"Looks like you’re in a great conversation with your friends. We've got to leave in ten minutes. Can you let them know you'll be offline then so we can talk on the way?"
By connecting their digital world to the real one, you're not just giving an order; you're offering a reason that makes sense to them.
3. The Power of "We": Phrases like "we" and "let's" can make all the difference. Instead of "You need to put your phone down," try "Let's all put our phones away for dinner so we can chat." This models the behavior you want to see and makes them feel respected, not just a recipient of a rule. But make sure you’re all doing it!"
4. Follow Up and Connect: Once the transition is made, praise their cooperation. "Thanks for putting your phone away. I've really enjoyed our chat tonight." This positive reinforcement helps build trust and makes the next time even easier.
Navigating the digital landscape with children can be challenging. But by using joint attention as our guide, we can move from power struggles to genuine connection. We’re showing them that their online passions are valid, but that the real world, and their relationship with you, is a place they’ll always want to come back to.