Supporting Children out of COVID restrictions
There's a saying behaviourists love to rhyme off - "Behaviour goes where reinforcement flows". This means that when people get good responses from what they do, they're more likely to do that same thing again.
Although sometimes it doesn't feel like it, this can put us parents in a very strong position to influence our children's behaviour. Often we're the primary source of those good responses - particularly when they're younger. We tend to decide where that reinforcement flows.
For nearly two years, we've very consciously reinforced 'social distancing' behaviour for our children. Everything they've heard from school, from TV, from posters and often from us has been to stand 2 meters apart from others, keep their hands to themselves, to deliberately not mix widely with friends and even to avoid hugs with some of those they love.
But as of 6am today, all those behaviours that have become so deeply engrained and are so strongly reinforced are no longer part of society's rules.
So where does this leave our kids? How do we support them to re-engage comfortably? How do we help them 'unlearn' things that have been so strongly established over the last few years?
The way society acts has (literally) changed overnight. Some of us may be charging headfirst into freedom. Or we may find that we're not ready to jump straight back into a more socially intense world. Indeed, some of our younger kids may be completely unaware of what 'normal' is having spent their living memory years under such tight restrictions.
It's likely to be an anxious time. You may have particular circumstances that worry you with regards to COVID; or as a family you may not feel comfortable with the pace of the changes. That's OK. All of society will be adjusting and feeling that way over the next few weeks and months. The question is how do we support our kids - and ourselves - through this transition?
As I mentioned at the beginning, behaviour goes where reinforcement flows. No one can tell you what is right or wrong in terms of what are the best outcomes for your family or your child. It's not a race to normality, or to what may, for our children, be quite a distant memory of what normal was.
Rather than rushing to the end-game, think about what skills we want to encourage, reinforce and praise that are needed to manage the transition. Instead of focusing on the outcomes, think about how we praise our kids for navigating the process - things like encouraging problem solving; making their own choices; figuring out where their own comfort boundaries lie; finding their own pace of change; taking personal responsibility; and perhaps even showing a little assertiveness when needed.
What we've got here is a really good chance to practice, praise and build these abilities. And best of all, these skills will benefit them not just for transitioning out of COVID restrictions, but for the rest of their lives.
Gillian Martin is a Chartered Psychologist with the Psychological Society of Ireland, and a Board Certified Behaviour Analyst.