Beyond the Screen: Guiding Your Child from Digital to Real Life

If you're a parent, you know the feeling. The phone is in their hand, a game is on the TV, or the laptop is open with multiple tabs. Their world is digital, and getting them to look up and engage with the ‘real world’ right in front of them can feel like an impossible task.

The old "five-minute warning" often doesn't work. It's not because they're being difficult; it's because their attention is deeply invested in their online world—a world of friends, challenges, and creativity. So, how do we bridge that gap respectfully? The answer lies in joint attention.

What is Joint Attention?

Joint attention is when we share an experience with another person. It’s connecting with what they care about. For a child glued to a screen, it may be that moment when you both look at a hilarious meme and share a laugh, or when you lean over their shoulder to see the amazing graphic design they’re creating, or spend a few minutes watching clips with them. It’s a shared moment of focus that says, "I see you, and I see what you're passionate about."

Making a Successful Transition from Screen to ‘Real Life’:

Instead of a command, this can be a collaboration. Here’s how you can use joint attention to gently guide your child from their digital world to the real one:

1. Acknowledge and Engage: The first step is to show respect for what they're doing. Simply demanding their attention doesn’t always work. Instead, earn it by showing you’re interested.

• "That looks like a really cool game. What's your strategy here?"

• "I love the music you're listening to. Who's the artist?"

This small act of joining their world shows that you're not just trying to take something away, but that you want to be a part of their life. You’re gently moving their direct attention to the screen, to a three way ‘You & Me’ with the screen.

2. Bridge Their World to the Next Task: Once you've established a connection, you can link their digital activity to the next real-world task. This makes the transition feel less jarring and more purposeful.

• "That's a fantastic video you're editing. It's so creative! Can you use that creativity to help plan what to cook tonight. What do you think we should make?"

• "Looks like you’re in a great conversation with your friends. We've got to leave in ten minutes. Can you let them know you'll be offline then so we can talk on the way?"

By connecting their digital world to the real one, you're not just giving an order; you're offering a reason that makes sense to them.

3. The Power of "We": Phrases like "we" and "let's" can make all the difference. Instead of "You need to put your phone down," try "Let's all put our phones away for dinner so we can chat." This models the behavior you want to see and makes them feel respected, not just a recipient of a rule. But make sure you’re all doing it!"

4. Follow Up and Connect: Once the transition is made, praise their cooperation. "Thanks for putting your phone away. I've really enjoyed our chat tonight." This positive reinforcement helps build trust and makes the next time even easier.

Navigating the digital landscape with children can be challenging. But by using joint attention as our guide, we can move from power struggles to genuine connection. We’re showing them that their online passions are valid, but that the real world, and their relationship with you, is a place they’ll always want to come back to.

The Heart of Care: What It Means to Be a Practice Leader

When you hear the word "leader," you might picture a boss in a suit. But in the world of social care, the true leaders are right there beside you. They’re the ones who roll up their sleeves and show you what it really means to care. They’re call them practice leaders, and they're the secret ingredient that makes good support truly great.

A practice leader leads with their heart. They're the ones who don't just follow the rules; they bring them to life with empathy. They'll gently show us the most caring way to communicate with someone who is preverbal and can’t tell their own story, or how to handle a tough day with patience and grace. They're the go-to person on the team because their passion shines through in everything they do. They don't just say "person-centered support"—they make sure every person feels seen, heard, and valued.

What makes them so special? They build their leadership on a foundation of trust. They believe in the power of putting the person at the very center of every choice and every moment. And they believe in their team. They are natural mentors who love to share their knowledge, always helping their team feel more confident and capable. They know that when we all lift each other up, everyone benefits. They understand the vision of the Service, and they show people how they can get there through their actions.

So, what's the result of this kind of heartfelt leadership? For the people supported, it means a life full of more joy, more independence, and a stronger sense of belonging. For the team, it creates a warm, supportive place to work. When we’re guided by someone who truly cares, coming to work feels less like a job and more like a purpose. The Practice Leader will guide, coach and mentor other staff into making a real difference in people’s lives.

Ultimately, practice leadership isn’t about a title; it’s about a deep, quiet commitment to making a real difference. It’s the caring actions, big and small, that transform a life. It's the best kind of leadership there is.

If you want to learn more, I can highly recommend the wonderful new book by Linda Hume and her colleagues Enabling Capable Environments Using Practice Leadership available at https://pavpub.com/learning-disability/enabling-capable-environments-using-practice-leadership-a-unique-framework-for-supporting-people-with-intellectual-disabilities-and-their-carers?srsltid=AfmBOoqPm7kKGds85tI0mZrFpnllO6_XZ564xAqvVpmZuowwkyP9N3Ks

What can Lobsters teach us about change?

Lobsters are fantastic - especially with a knob of garlic & herb butter, or in a thermidor....but there's something else they're fabulous at: changing in the face of pressure and adversity.....

Lobsters have an exoskeleton. So, as they grow and develop,, by definition they have to feel extreme pressure and discomfort before they moult, experience around two days of serious vulnerability and uncertainty whilst their new skeleton hardens, and can finally move forward, stronger and better than ever.

It's the very same for us. Change requires feeling the pressure that something isn't right - that something has to give. These can be small incremental changes that sneak up on us in imperceptibly over years, or can be one big event. But our bodies and minds give us all the signals that our current structures aren't meeting our needs, and something has to give.

Often the first sign is something not feeling right - pressures mount, challenges seem insurmountable, we find ourselves limited, or forced into things we don't feel comfortable with - sometimes, it may feel like we're living somebody else's life. This can show in a number of different ways - depression, anxiety, a general feeling of dissatisfaction with out lot. Our initial reaction can often be to run from these feelings of discomfort, but we should be running towards these feelings to figure out what needs to change.

For lobsters, this is fairly intuitive - it's physical pressure: Hormones are automatically released to soften the shell. They roll on their sides and bend themselves in half to wriggle out, then let protein and water toughen up their new shell. Pretty darn uncomfortable, I reckon, but at least it’s predictable and inevitable.

But for us humans, it's not always so clear cut - what needs to change? Is it our work, our family, our home, our health, our relationships, the challenges we set ourselves or our environment? One thing we do know is that we need to lean into that discomfort to find the answers. Something that was explained beautifully by Dr. Abraham Twerski.

With our work in behaviour support, we may see this need in others through Behavioural Expressions of Need. But whether it's for ourselves, or those people we support, we can't ignore it (or to keep the zoological analogies going, put our heads in the sand like an Ostrich).

Instead of running from situations, we need to approach this discomfort (in ourselves, or in others) with openness, kindness, compassion and curiosity. And we need to be prepared for the period of vulnerability that will inevitably follow in the short-term. So embrace change, embrace the discomfort that comes with it, and only then then we can revel in our new, bigger, brighter world.

Supporting children out of COVID restrictions

Supporting Children out of COVID restrictions

There's a saying behaviourists love to rhyme off - "Behaviour goes where reinforcement flows". This means that when people get good responses from what they do, they're more likely to do that same thing again.

Although sometimes it doesn't feel like it, this can put us parents in a very strong position to influence our children's behaviour. Often we're the primary source of those good responses - particularly when they're younger. We tend to decide where that reinforcement flows.

For nearly two years, we've very consciously reinforced 'social distancing' behaviour for our children. Everything they've heard from school, from TV, from posters and often from us has been to stand 2 meters apart from others, keep their hands to themselves, to deliberately not mix widely with friends and even to avoid hugs with some of those they love.

But as of 6am today, all those behaviours that have become so deeply engrained and are so strongly reinforced are no longer part of society's rules.

So where does this leave our kids? How do we support them to re-engage comfortably? How do we help them 'unlearn' things that have been so strongly established over the last few years?

The way society acts has (literally) changed overnight. Some of us may be charging headfirst into freedom. Or we may find that we're not ready to jump straight back into a more socially intense world. Indeed, some of our younger kids may be completely unaware of what 'normal' is having spent their living memory years under such tight restrictions.

It's likely to be an anxious time. You may have particular circumstances that worry you with regards to COVID; or as a family you may not feel comfortable with the pace of the changes. That's OK. All of society will be adjusting and feeling that way over the next few weeks and months. The question is how do we support our kids - and ourselves - through this transition?

As I mentioned at the beginning, behaviour goes where reinforcement flows. No one can tell you what is right or wrong in terms of what are the best outcomes for your family or your child. It's not a race to normality, or to what may, for our children, be quite a distant memory of what normal was.

Rather than rushing to the end-game, think about what skills we want to encourage, reinforce and praise that are needed to manage the transition. Instead of focusing on the outcomes, think about how we praise our kids for navigating the process - things like encouraging problem solving; making their own choices; figuring out where their own comfort boundaries lie; finding their own pace of change; taking personal responsibility; and perhaps even showing a little assertiveness when needed.

What we've got here is a really good chance to practice, praise and build these abilities. And best of all, these skills will benefit them not just for transitioning out of COVID restrictions, but for the rest of their lives.

Gillian Martin is a Chartered Psychologist with the Psychological Society of Ireland, and a Board Certified Behaviour Analyst.

Flexible Learning Options - Let's get Technical!

If COVID has taught us anything, it’s that we no longer need to leave the house - let alone our sofa - to upskill. And so Soiléir have been using this enforced ‘desk time’ working hard to provide a variety of online learning opportunities.

For Behaviour Support Practitioners, we continue to offer our online CEU’s for the BACB (Behaviour Analyst

This year, we’ve been busy this year teaming up with the wonderful crew at Education Elephant. It is a home grown Irish company whose aim is to provide parents and caring professionals with access to expert knowledge and support to ensure every child flourishes. With Education Elephant, we’ve developed an online course focused on Listening skills called “How to Listen so your Child Will Talk”. In this course, we’ll share advice on how to listen to children to enhance rapport, meaningful communication and problem solving, drawing on theories from both Motivational Interviewing and Positive Behaviour Support. You can enroll here.

We’re also delivering a Webinar with Education Elephant on 12th October 2021 from 7pm-8pm called ‘Support A Child Experiencing Sensory Overload Using Positive Behaviour Support’. This webinar is geared at both parents and professionals. During this webinar, you can we’ll be having a close looks at the eight (yip - you read that right - eight) senses, and how we can support a child who becomes overwhelmed by their sensory world in a gentle, nurturing way using Positive Behaviour Support. You can register here.

We’ll be adding more online learning options as we go, so keep an eye on our online learning page to see what’s new.

Gillian Martin is a Chartered Psychologist with the Psychological Society of Ireland, and a Board Certified Behaviour Analyst

Setting Limits

Ever found yourself trying to regain control by yelling things like “If you don’t stop fighting over it, I’ll throw that Nintendo Switch out the car window”?

Stop for a moment - that’s just not true, is it? You probably rely on that Switch for a bit of peace and quiet even more than your child does. Besides, it’s you who will foot the bill when the games console does smash off the tarmac. On top of which, your ‘empty threats’ are now just background noise to your kids.

Limits aren’t about punishing kids. They are about trying to keep them safe and help them develop sensible boundaries by setting reasonable limits. So how do we set limits that are effective and are going to encourage responsibility? Here’s a few key points to keep in mind when looking to set limits:

1)      Is it a reasonable request? If two kids are squabbling in the car on the 5-minute journey to school, it’s probably reasonable to ask them to try to get along for that brief time. However, if they’re an hour into a 2-hour journey, perhaps it’s time to stop for a leg-stretch and give them a break from each other, and not a time to lay down the law.

2)      Is the consequence related to the issue? Ideally, a limit should have a natural consequence – something that would naturally happen if that behaviour continued (e.g., if you bite your friends, they won’t want to sit close to you or if you say mean things to someone, they’re unlikely to want to hang out with you the next day). Sometimes we tend to set limits that aren’t related to what’s going on (e.g., “If you say one more mean word to your sister, you’ll have to rake up all the leaves in the garden”). Huh? This can just build up resentment and confusion.

3)      Is the consequence in proportion to the problem? For example, if I deliberately knock a glass of orange onto the floor, it’s reasonable to ask me to mop up the spill. It not reasonable to ask me to now mop up the whole downstairs.

4)      Is the consequence do-able? It’s no use making an empty statement that can’t be followed through on, or the limits you try to establish will just become meaningless. You’re not really going to smash up that Nintendo Switch, are you? Nope - and your child knows that too.

Setting limits that are unfair, unrelated, and out of proportion will only set your child up to feel hard done by and resentful. So don’t see limit setting moments as punishment, but instead use them to guide your kid towards better decision making in the future.

Gillian Martin is a Chartered Psychologist with the Psychological Society of Ireland, and a Board Certified Behaviour Analyst

Easing the Return To School in the age of COVID

Schools are due to open next week (as with everything, we’re cautiously saying ‘due’ cause goodness knows what can happen in a week in the current environment……). But this year, it’s a back to school like no other year. Families have had a lot to contend with in relation to the interruption to schooling this year:

• The blunt end of the school year last March didn’t help. Children who were finishing up didn’t get their chance to say goodbye and go through many of the transitioning rituals – especially those who were finishing in their current primary or moving secondary school. Nor have those starting new schools had many of the orientation experiences they’d usually be offered.

• Younger teenagers who had just entered first year in secondary school seemed to have a particularly tough time – they were just finding their feet, but for many, their new social networks weren’t yet strong enough to be tested by such changed social circumstances. For many this has led to distress and some social anxieties.

• Kids have spent a long time at home with their parents. This has had some wonderful unforeseen upsides for families. But for some, it may mean that they lost a bit of their independence that they had been gaining in their first school years.

• Teenagers going into exam years will probably have concerns about the face-to-face teaching they may have missed, what the new school year may look like and be worried about how that may impact them in their forthcoming exams.

So here are a few practical steps we can take to try to ease this transition back to school in these weird times:

1)      Manage your own anxieties as far as possible: Yes – teachers are worried; We as parents are worried; Quite frankly, the whole country is worried; and many children and teens will also be worried. But in so far as possible, try not to add to that worry. Even if you’re not feeling it, try to be optimistic and proactive about the return to school. Kids will pick up quickly on your anxieties and they are probably already concerned enough simply returning to school. Be honest that yes, people are worried about COVID-19, but emphasise that we can all take personal responsibility to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe.

2)      Teach children how to protect themselves: To help your child feel safer in school, give them the tools they need to keep them safe. For younger children, have them practice washing their hands on their own so they are confident they can do it in school independently. Consider things like can they blow their own nose or know what to do when they cough or sneeze? Can they manage to open the bottle of hand sanitiser in their bag on their own and close it properly again? Perhaps they’d like to wear a funky neck scarf that they can pull up over their nose and mouth? The same idea goes for older kids and teenagers – they’ll likely already be able to do these things, so it’s more a reminder that they have all these tools available to them, and can use them anytime. They may also like to practice some coping skills like deep breathing, or mindfulness exercises that they can use when facing the challenges ahead to help them feel more in control.

3)      Get familiar with the school’s protocols: By now, most schools have communicated with families to explain some of the changes that will be occurring. This can include changes to the physical class structures; how social patterns may change, such as putting limited numbers of children into ‘pods’ or having staggered breaks; alterations to drop off or collection plans. Be sure to read any correspondence you get from the school, and if you have any questions , or you think your child may have particular needs that aren’t addressed in the protocols, talk to the school in advance.

4)      Prepare your child for the school protocols: When you’re clear with the protocols, discuss them with your child. If the school has sent any videos, watch them with your child. Rather than just telling them what the protocols are, explain why they’re in place. Ask if they understand? Are they happy with that? Are there any questions they’d like to ask?

5)      Link back in with school friends: Many children, particularly those who were new to their school last year, may have drifted a bit from their school pals, in favour of hanging out with their families (certainly at the beginning), and possibly kids in the neighbourhood, or at a summer camp. If this has happened, now is the time to introduce a couple of playdates or meetups with classmates so they can start to reconnect. If they’ve been linking in with their mates primarily on social media, try to encourage them to arrange a few face-to-face meetings. This way they’re more likely to rock on up to school eagerly and confidently where they left off.

6)      Build up their independence: After 6 months at home, some children are very used to being back in the heart of their families, and may be worried about leaving that place of safety. Try to build up their independence in advance by giving them small responsibilities suitable to their age that they can do on their own. These could be anything as long as it is something they can successfully complete on their own without us having to ‘rescue’ them. It could be looking after a family pet; preparing food; doing gardening or odd jobs for a neighbour; picking up some shopping or delivering a message for you. Once they’ve done it, congratulate them and emphasise their independence and autonomy in doing it.

7)      Establish good sleep patterns now: Let’s face it - things have gone to pot over the summer, and bedtimes have gotten lax. The one thing your child will need in order to be resilient to all the upcoming changes is to be well rested. The circadian (sleep / wake) cycle is very sensitive, and experts who work with jetlag estimate that for every hour your body is ‘out of sync’, it takes a day for your circadian cycle to adjust. Your child’s current routine may be out of rhythm with the school day, (particularly teenagers who are notorious for developing some erratic sleep habits when left to their own devices). So, if your child’s bedtime is currently 3 hours different to the routine they’ll need for school, it will take them at least 3 days to adjust to the required routine (and a few more to do it without complaining). So, get started now!

Background photo created by freepik - www.freepik.com

Gillian Martin is a Chartered Psychologist with the Psychological Society of Ireland, and a Board Certified Behaviour Analyst

How Mindfulness can help us during COVID-19

Our brains love patterns. It helps us to automate tasks we do frequently, which saves us effort and energy. When we do things like driving, scrolling through facebook, buttering toast or other familiar tasks, we can often do them on auto-pilot. This even includes some social activities, like greeting each other, or standing in line in the supermarket.

However, with social distancing, we’re being asked to radically change a lot of our habitual patterns and responses. This can be difficult to do, as now we need to really concentrate on things we previously did on autopilot. This is where mindfulness can help.

Mindfulness is basically about being better able to direct our attention to where we want it to be. It helps us to train our minds to be calm, focus on what we need to focus on, and to minimise our thoughts jumping all around the place in a random fashion.

The neuropsychology behind this is really fascinating. The brain is full of trillions of tiny neurons which are constantly communicating and forming networks. These networks determine how we act, what we think, and how we figure out what’s going on in the world around us. But these networks are constantly changing and adjusting. Just like a muscle, the neural networks we use more often get stronger; whilst the networks we ignore (sometimes intentionally) get weaker. So, practicing mindfulness is like a workout for the brain (but with less sweat). We strengthen up the good neural networks we want more of (such as the new habits we want to form); whilst weakening the ones that get in our way, or that aren’t serving us well (like our natural inclination to stand close to the person in front of us in the supermarket queue).

In addition to helping us learn new habits by being better able to pay attention to them, some of the other ‘brain muscles’ mindfulness has been shown to strengthen include:

• Those that help us become aware of themselves and of others and so be more compassionate

• Learning to respond to situations in a thought out, reasonable way; rather than relying on ‘flight, fright or fight’ reactions

• To understand that our negative feelings can be the body’s physical response; and to learn that by using our rational mind, we can influence and change these feelings for the better

• To recognise moments of happiness and gratitude, which can protect and improve our mental health, and increase our resilience in difficult times.

Practicing mindfulness has been shown to have numerous other benefits. These include improvements in self-regulation, better focus (handy for working from home), improved anxiety management and higher levels of empathy, optimism and emotional control. All of these are things we can benefit from right now. Even just a few minutes of practice each day can give us the benefits.

If you’ve previously practiced mindfulness, now is the time to dust off that practice, or perhaps engage in a bit more of it. If you’re new to it, Headspace (my favourite mindfulness app) has a number of free resources they’ve put together specifically for the current situation in a programme called ‘Weathering the Storm’ . It is available at https://www.headspace.com/covid-19, and you can also download their app on Android or Apple. A quick search using ‘Mindful Practice’ on YouTube will also bring up a rake of options so you can choose the length of time that suits, and a voice tone you find works for you.

Image courtesy of www.pngtree.com

Gillian Martin is a Chartered Psychologist with the Psychological Society of Ireland, and a Board Certified Behaviour Analyst

Motivational Interviewing coming to BILD PBS Conference 2020

Soiléir are delighted to announce that we’re teaming up once again with Matthew Spicer of Positive Behaviour Change Solutions in Tasmania. We are bringing two workshops to the British Institute of Learning Disability (BILD) Positive Behaviour Support Conference in Scotland in Spring this year.

The conference will be held in Glasgow on the 13th and 14th May, and the theme this year is inclusion. The programme includes speakers such as Professor Rob Horner, Dr Edwin Jones & Professor Nigel Beail and a whole heap of expert practitioners from UK, Europe, US, New Zealand (and of course Australia and Ireland including us!)

We will be leading two workshops. on the first day, we’ll be facilitating Using motivational interviewing skills in non-aversive response strategies. This workshop will introduce participants to the spirit and skills that underpin Motivational Interviewing.  It will focus on how these skills can be used in moments of distress to intervene in a functionally based, non-aversive manner in line with Multi-Element Behaviour Support. 

The second workshop on 14th May is focused on Using motivational interviewing skills to support teams implementing behaviour support plans. It will focus on how the processes of MI are used in supporting teams to implement behaviour support in line with the mediator analysis in Multi-Element Behaviour Support.  We’ll be doing plenty of skills practice skills using MI, and consider their use in resolving common barriers to the implementation of plans within organisations.

If you’d like more information on registering for this conference, visit https://www.bild.org.uk/pbsconf2020/ and be sure to pop by and say hello!

Gillian Martin is a Chartered Psychologist with the Psychological Society of Ireland, and a Board Certified Behaviour Analyst

Four Steps to Listening

A meaningful conversation is an interaction where two people have been heard by each other - we hear somebody without listening properly. However, as Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People says, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply”.

And he's right - when we're all wrapped up in how we're going to reply to somebody - be it a child; an employee; a patient; a loved one or a disgruntled customer - our listening skills go out the window.  We get so focused on how we can fix things and how we’re going to respond that we stop listening properly after the first sentence. 

Why is listening such an important skill to hone? First of all, listening conveys respect. We all deserve to express ourselves, and in turn, we all deserve to be heard, particularly when something is really important to us. Listening properly to somebody shows them that we've really heard them and we respect them.

Listening is the best way to get information - and in many situations, information is what we need. The more information we can get, the better equipped we are to deal with a given situation.

Another reason is that when we've listened properly to somebody, they're more likely to listen to us in return when it's our turn to speak. This more meaningful interaction makes for stronger relationships and greater trust. This can improve relationships in all spheres of life, be they at home, at work or in the community. 

 So how do we listen? 4 Steps to Getting it right:

Step 1: Don't just do something, sit there:

That's right - sit there. Do nothing. Zip. Nada. 

This should be the easiest part, yet it can actually be the most difficult. Many of us have a natural inclination to help (what Miller & Rollnick call The Righting Reflex in their book Motivational Interviewing). This Righting Reflex can lead us to jump in, offer opinions, correct, criticise, judge, offer solutions, disagree, or play down somebody's concerns, usually in an effort to help them. All of these can be what Thomas Gordon refers to as Roadblocks to Communication. Nothing closes down a conversation faster than being talked over. So, bite your lip - sit and listen.

Level 2: Reflect the Content

Simple reflection means echoing back what we've heard (or a summary of it). There's no need to get deep and analytical. Simply reflecting back, the content of what we've been told shows the person that we really have been paying attention to them, that it's important to us and that we've 'got' what they're saying. On a practical level, it also gives us an opportunity to make sure we've heard correctly, and for the speaker to let us know us if we've picked up anything the wrong way.

e.g. “So, you were in here working till 10pm last night.”

e.g. “Billy took the toy train while you were playing with it.”

Level 3 - Reflect the feeling

When you've spent a little time listening to the issues, your reflections can go a little bit deeper than purely the content. What is the feeling behind what the person is saying? You'll get this from what the person is saying, the context of what they're saying, and also by paying attention to how they're saying it. How does the person sound? Frustrated? Resigned? Excited? Sad? Stressed?

e.g. “You're putting in long hours at work - you sound tired.”

e.g. “You seem very sad he took the toy train.”

Level 4 - Inference

Sometimes, when we've been listening to somebody for a while, or if know them well, we may start to see themes or patterns emerging in what they’re saying. From this, we may be able to infer a deeper meaning to what they're saying. If we can reflect these themes back to a person, this can sometimes get deep into the heart of the matter.

However, inferences should be used with caution. Sometimes there can be a bit of a jump between what a person has told us and how we interpret that information. There's a chance that we might get the wrong end of the stick, and if we do, the person may feel like we don't 'get it'. That can put us back to square one with the person feeling unheard. To avoid this, it can help to put this inference to them as question. This means we're not seen to be making assumptions. Also, the person has an opportunity to correct us if we're wrong and steer us back on course.

e.g. “Do you feel you're getting the recognition you deserve in this project?”

e.g. “It can be difficult when people don't share, can’t it?” 

Epictetus first said "We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak".  So, when you’re listening, don't put yourself under the pressure of trying to formulate a clever answer or provide all the solutions whilst the other person is still speaking.  We can have better interactions and provide better solutions by listening fully, whilst building meaningful communication and relationships. And as many counsellors, parents, lovers, partners and managers know, simply being properly heard is often all that is needed.

Covey, S.R. (1999) The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Simon and Schuster

Hastings Crossley (1909) The Golden Sayings of Epictetus" by Epictetus, translation Vol. II, Part 2, The Harvard Classics. New York: P.F. Collier & Son

Gordon, T. (2001) Leader Effectiveness Training. Tarcherperigee

Miller, W. & Rollnick, S. (2012) Motivational Interviewing, Helping People Change (3rd Edition). Guilford Publications.

Gillian Martin is a Chartered Psychologist with the Psychological Society of Ireland, and a Board Certified Behaviour Analyst

Soiléir - An Approved CE Provider with the BACB

Soiléír is an Approved Continuing Education Provider with the Behavior Analyst Certification Board (BACB)

To enhance Soiléir's training capabilities, Soiléir is registered as an Approved Continuing Education (ACE) Provider with the Behavior Analyst Certification Board in the USA which has international recognition.

What this means, is that where learning or input content meets particular criteria, Soiléir can offer Board Certified Behavior Analysts (BCBA's) or Board Certified Associate Behavior Analysts (BCaBA's) Type 2 CEU Credits. These credits are required by Board Certified Behaviour Analysts to maintain their certification. 

Also, there are plans cooking to provide online CE's, so that you can accrue you're CE hours flexibly at a time and place that suits you. Currently, there are no other providers offering this outside of North or Central America, so stay tuned.....

In the meantime, contact me if you're interested in putting together a Behavior Analytic learning input at soileirpsychology@gmail.com.

Gillian Martin is a Chartered Psychologist with the Psychological Society of Ireland, and a Board Certified Behaviour Analyst

How Motivational Interviewing can help make lasting change

Change is tough. Even when we know the change will ultimately lead to the outcomes we want - a better job; a healthier body; perhaps good exam results. We know we'd benefit from the change, yet we still find reasons not to do it - It's not the right time; Is it really that important? What if I don't succeed? What if I screw it up? Is the grass really greener on the other side?

When this happens - we're in a state of ambivalence. We can see both sides of the change argument, but the 'pull' factors are not yet strong enough to make that change. 

Motivational Interviewing is an approach that we can use in exactly these types of situations. It's used in business leadership, healthcare, education, addition, counselling and indeed any setting where change occurs (which is pretty much limitless). You may be a manager trying to bring team along with us in a work project; you may be a teacher trying to support a student through exams; you may be a clinical nurse specialist trying to help a newly diagnosed diabetic patient adapt to their new regime, or a counsellor supporting somebody through a difficult time.

Traditionally, when it comes to change, we work to an 'expert model'. In this model, the expert knows their stuff; tells the person who needs to change what they need to do and how to do it; and from there, it's up to the person changing to heed that advice and pull their finger out.

So why doesn't this always work? For the simple reason that often people don't like being told what to do, particularly when they're already feeling ambivalent and in two minds about something and having trouble with the changes. People are the undisputed experts in themselves, so in order for them to change, we need to support them to explore and discover their own motivation to change, and the ways of doing so that will work for them. Motivational Interviewing gives us a framework to do just that.

Motivational Interviewing shows us the context in which these discussion should happen to make this happen - a context that promotes respect, collaboration, compassion and autonomy. It also provides us with a way of using language and tools designed to strengthen a person's commitment to change, whilst encouraging them to commit to ways of acting on it.

Over the next while, I'll be writing about how this can be used in different contexts, including business, healthcare and education, so stay tuned. In the interim, if you want to find out how you can add these skills to your tool kit, find out more about Soiléir's Training in Motivational Interviewing, or sign up to receive updates.

Gillian Martin is a Chartered Psychologist with the Psychological Society of Ireland, and a Board Certified Behaviour Analyst

Developing a sense of consent

Sometimes we lose our voice when we need it most. Sometimes, even as adults, it's difficult to speak up when dealing with others we perceive as in positions of power. So how do we give our children their voice? 

These issues are highlighted in the recent and well publicised rape trial in Belfast (as reported in the Irish Times here  on 28.3.18 - reader discretion advised). In the wake of this trial, there has been a lot of conversation and media coverage about how we think about, and how we teach consent.

Initiatives being discussed include consent workshops in third level colleges; and the Minister for Education, Richard Bruton, calling for an overhaul of the Social, Personal and Health Education (SPHE) curriculum at both primary and secondary levels.

But I’m not going to risk waiting around till then. I’m starting on this now. My daughter is only four years old, but like every parent, the idea that she could ever find herself in a position where she was disrespected or treated like this scares me witless. The idea that my son would ever think it's OK to talk about women in a disrespectful way concerns me just as much.

Like every parent, I’m outright biased - I reckon I have the most adorable kids in the world. Those snuggles just before they go off to sleep, or first thing in the morning are the best. But, even as their mother – I try to remember to ask first, or leave them alone if they're at all hesitant. 

Why? Well, have you ever seen a child go shy when asked for a kiss or a hug, and their reluctance to be followed up with something like “Go on - Give your Granny / Aunty a kiss to say thank you for the present”? Or perhaps “Oh, come on – just one tiny little hug? I’ll be all sad if you don’t?” 

If this happens, what we're unintentionally teaching our children is that even if they feel uncomfortable, it’s polite to trade physical affection for favours. We're teaching them that ‘No’ really means ‘Maybe’ when it’s served with a side portion of cajoling or guilt. We're teaching them to override their own tell-tale feelings of discomfort with a situation, and not to trust their own judgement.

Could this be why some children grow up confused about consent?

Could this be why some children grow up thinking that 'no' means 'maybe'?

Could this be why some children grow up feeling obliged to give of themselves in exchange for something?

I want my kids to know it’s OK to say no if they don’t want to be touched by anyone. I want them to know that if someone doesn’t respect that, that it’s OK to repeat themselves - FIRMLY. I want them to know that they have my full permission to get angry, shout, swear and scream blue murder if the person persists, even if it is a grown-up (quite frankly, especially if it’s a grown-up).

I feel that the best way we can protect our kids and let them know their voice counts is not just to tell them what consent is during an SPHE lesson or in college; but also to show them what consent is - right from the start - by practicing, modelling and expecting it at home. I want to support them to learn that ‘No’ means ‘No’, whether you're aged 2 or 22. 

Gillian Martin is a Chartered Psychologist with the Psychological Society of Ireland, and a Board Certified Behaviour Analyst

Soiléir's First Roadtrip - Galway

I'm just back from stunning Salthill on Galway Bay where I was at the Conference of the Psychological Society of Ireland's Division of Behaviour Analysis. It's the annual meet up for those who want to geek out, discuss the finer points of 'reinforcement schedules', and get excited over graphs and pie charts. I suppose it’s not everyone’s idea of a good weekend, but it certainly was mine.

There are some really brilliant innovations happening in the field of behaviour support at the moment. These include some forward thinking assistive technologies, which have a strong theme of being affordable, accessible and do-able for people with additional needs and their families.

There were buckets of presentations showing real innovation in practice, much of which is designed to empowered families and teachers; and also practices to deliver support quickly and efficiently without compromising on quality.

For the conference, Soiléir partnered with  Matthew Spicer of Positive Behaviour Change Solutions (PBCS) in Tasmania who has extensive experience working across the disability and out of home care sectors as a psychologist. We delivered a paper that looked at Motivational Interviewing as an approach to maximise efficiency and efficacy in increasing quality of life when using Positive Behaviour Support. If you want a copy, download it below and feel free to get in contact with any questions.

Download the presentation here

Gillian Martin is a Chartered Psychologist with the Psychological Society of Ireland, and a Board Certified Behaviour Analyst

Facebook Launch

FACEBOOK LAUNCH

The Soiléir Psychology Services Facebook page is up and active. I'm looking forward to hearing from you on it. You can follow it here.